Few phenomena on the spectrum of human behavior give the me the willies the way that the “Church of all things i” does.
Last night, the cult of Jobs had their long-awaited “revealing” of their new iPhone 6, along with their spiffy new iWatches and iPay system. For me, watching the new CEO take the stage and try to do his predecessor justice in his performance of the “reveal” was like sitting in on some religious ritual to which I have no personal empathy towards, an outsider marveling at both the ritual itself, and how the media busily dissects the unraveling story of how the Church of Jobs is adapting to it’s new high priest.
You see, the “reveal” is really the pinnacle of religious experience for the devout iWorshipper. It is the moment where years of anticipation and leaked reports and teasers finally culminate in the rapturous unveiling of the latest piece of iDolatry, which the iWorshippers wholly believe will instantly change their individual lives, and society at large, for the absolute better. Jobs, the founder and one True Prophet of the Church of i, was of course the master of the reveal, and this being the first true reveal to occur since his departure the iRealms beyond, makes for it being a very pivotal moment in the history of iFaith. The iFollowers must be able to put full confidence in Jobs’ apprentice, and this seems to have now been more or less accomplished, thanks the life-altering features of the iPhone 6’s larger screen, slimmer width, longer-lasting battery, and overall “most beautiful design ever”… Truly, the iFlock has much to rejoice about.
But wait iBrothers and iSisters, that’s not all… Jobs the Father has bequeathed to us the promise of the iWatch, to be released in January of next year, which will sync with all your other iDevices and make your iLife that much more iComplete.
Beyond this, we have the soul-electrifying development of Appleanity’s new payment system. (Which the iLords would’ve probably called iPay, if it -didn’t appear as though some other, obviously non-iDevout company hadn’t already copyrighted that divinely-inspired iName.)
illelujah, sing iPraises to the iFather, and the iSon, and the iSpirit, for bringing us, the iMasses, that much closer to the ultimate, and final, REVEAL, the revelation of the iMessiah….