Thinking-Man-inverseSeems like every few months or so, I go through this same cycle of suddenly asking myself why I’m even continuing the blog. Is there a point? Do I even have anything truly worthwhile to bring to “the discussion”? Am I feeling frustrated because I’ve slipped back into pursuing my own little internal agendas, instead of whatever the Lord might have for me?

If there is a “theme” to this blog, it certainly centers around the “paradigm shift” which I underwent around five years ago now, and I suppose that theme is what continues to both propel it along, yet also causes me to constantly wonder if I’m not failing overall at helping truly open other people’s eyes to things the way mine were. How do I always seem to wind up back in this place, wondering if it really matters if people ever “wake up” to the various dystopian realities going on all around us..? Isn’t it just enough to believe the Truth about the Son of God? To know where you’re going when you die? Does it really matter if the majority of the Christians in America still believe we are “blessed” by God, and part of this special, divinely orchestrated “Great Experiment”, and not Francis Bacon’s New Atlantis….?

Honestly, all too often I feel like I’m just writing things, either in posts or in comments elsewhere, which just miss the mark, again and again, and I desperately am feeling like I just want to find that “entry way”, that chink in the armor that will help pierce the veils of perception…. It’s just, so, hard. And even as I write this, I can’t help but beware of how ridiculous pretentious I sound, talking about “waking people up”, as if I’m some genius or something! I’m not. I so am not…

I feel like Moses or something, standing before God saying “I just don’t have the words”. I can ramble on and on and on, but it doesn’t seem to helping anyone. There are the people who see, and they already were there. Already were “awake”. It’s almost like I feel like, if I could just help one person get to that place, ya know? Maybe not even help them get there, but maybe just help them get through it, once they’ve gone there themselves…. Why is that? Is that pretentious? I don’t know. Maybe I just want to help people who are going through the same thing I did. It was not easy. I really struggled for a couple years actually with wondering if maybe I WAS in fact starting to really go crazy….

And that too, is something I often stop and wonder about with this blog. Am I just “embracing the fringyness”, because on some level you just expect people to respond with their familiar tin-foil jokes and dismissive comments anyhow, so you might as well just “own it” and know people are going to think you’re crazy anyways…?

And the worst question that haunts me at times:

Does this blog actually just serve as my little cathartic, “digital tree house” that I climb up to, where I can talk about all the weird stuff that nobody in my real life wants to go near…??

I think about that, and get pretty depressed. Full grown man, hiding in his blogger treehouse, reading his comic books, talking through tin cans and string, etc. Childishness. At times it feels like some porn addiction or something, not because I feel guilty of committing some sin, but because it’s almost hidden in that same way, merely due to the fact that no one “imrl” wants to go there anymore. Maybe it is just “obsession”. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe. Maybe…. I don’t know. I am crazy after all…

17 thoughts on “Reflectations…”

  1. I can relate to most of what you’re expressing here, I’ve felt that way a lot of times. I also write novels and fiction that I haven’t even tried to get published yet and I often feel the same way about that.

    1. Well, if you ever move to London, I could use a drummer to hook up with. ‘Hook up with’, as in musically, you of course understand 🙂 My current drummer is AWOL like a bitch!

  2. I can relate, even though I’m not sure what exactly you are talking about. What is this “paradigm shift” you speak of? I, will of course, do more reading of your blog to find out some of it, but of course there are only so many hours in the day. Please explain as I am insanely curious.

    1. Hey, I like “quix!” I think I might use it from now on! 😊 You haven’t wigged me out. I admit it sounds very conspiracy theory-ish, but I am not also not going to rule out what sounds insane or impossible bc we live in such a weird world. I’m also a Christian and believe in invisible forces and that our world may be experiencing the beginnings of “labor pains” towards the End. Typically I wouldn’t admit this publicly bc it sounds insane, but I do in fact believe it. What else ya got for me? How do that’s two things fit together?

  3. Well truth, I blog partially for myself. I don’t want to drive everybody IRL off the deep end having to listen to me 24/7. Sometimes God asks us to do things for other people and sometimes he asks us to do things just for ourselves. Sometimes when I write something to address somebody elses question, I actually wind up solving one of my own riddles. Sometimes when I blog other people have no idea what I am talking about, but hey I do! I have just answered my own question.

    As to waking people up, that’s a really interesting moral debate. If you knew something awful, something no one could do anything about anyway, are you compelled to warn them or should you just leave them in their little bubble of bliss? There’s no real right or wrong answer to that question, a different answer applies to each situation. I just know that it is the question that often gives me the most angst. Sometimes it seems as if it might be God’s will to keep some people’s eyes closed about certain things. Whenever I forget that, I get stressed out, burdened with a sense of responsibility that isn’t even mine.

    As to being on the Christian fringe, thank God there are people like you willing to do that! Seriously, thank God. I really did think I was going to go insane having only contact with a handful of Christians who believe the biggest threat we face in the world is people believing in Santa Claus or reading the wrong version of the bible. I so want to live in that world, but unfortunately mine is a bit darker.

    Being a blogger is actually really hard. Take heart.

  4. Strange, you are an artist and other artists will completely get this post. Take a break, put on some Spyro Gyra, stretch, dance, laugh with your children.

  5. Eh stinks! Oh well!! They are out of Buffalo NY…jazz band still going strong! I think while some music can be dangerous and misleading, music can also be theraputic: like a feast for the senses.

  6. Just wanted to touch base with you directly because I’m sure the ignorant **** who wrote “To the Parent of the Immunocompromised Child Who Thinks My Kid is a Threat” will ignore any of my posts or replies. You seem relatively intelligent. It is highly unlikely that vaccines aren’t the cause of autism. I have no idea how it could cause autism as not a single vaccine component enters into the CNS or is even capable of crossing the blood brain barrier. Nor will your immune system have an effect on neuronal connections or behavioral issues, although some viruses can (like rabies). Think about our drinking water and how much shit we’re dumping into it. None of which is monitored for nor can it be removed. Anything from beauty care products, hand soap, to birth control. It has been accumulating for years and has finally come to a point of having adverse effects on the general population. Toxicology departments all over the world are beginning to delve into what we’ve dumped into our water systems. The next 10 years will be interesting to see what they can dig up. And genes can be mutated in response to external stimuli, environmental stimuli specifically. This is the primary basis of evolution. The new world of epigenetics has a lot to offer in potentially providing answers to some of these complex questions, such as the increased incidence of autism. Read up on epigenetics if you’re interested, you might find some answers that you’ve been looking for.

  7. I’ve never heard about the 9-11 flight dates and numerology relating to Crowley. Can you give a layout of how that works and the relation between the two?

  8. Hello, Just discovered your blog today, thru a post you made on a Living Whole blog post and found it open minded, progressive and refreshing. I will continue to read your posts in the future.

    Don’t get discouraged, and keep posting your truth. An awakening is a frightening and painful process. My awakening started 15 years ago, and my search for information hasn’t stopped. When i post or comment – inevitability i will challenge someone’s reality. If they are happy and secure with what they believe, then what i state shouldn’t threaten that belief. If they are so reactive? Maybe it’s time they examine their beliefs….

    There is a shift taking place, i see it in social media and in people i deal with day to day. It is gaining momentum and traction. People are choosing research further for their own peace of mind, than following mainstream media. More information regarding corruption within our govt, health agencies, etc will continue to emerge. The paradigm shift gives me hope…something that has been missing since my awakening.

    Best of luck in your future posts. 😀

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