Seems like every few months or so, I go through this same cycle of suddenly asking myself why I’m even continuing the blog. Is there a point? Do I even have anything truly worthwhile to bring to “the discussion”? Am I feeling frustrated because I’ve slipped back into pursuing my own little internal agendas, instead of whatever the Lord might have for me?
If there is a “theme” to this blog, it certainly centers around the “paradigm shift” which I underwent around five years ago now, and I suppose that theme is what continues to both propel it along, yet also causes me to constantly wonder if I’m not failing overall at helping truly open other people’s eyes to things the way mine were. How do I always seem to wind up back in this place, wondering if it really matters if people ever “wake up” to the various dystopian realities going on all around us..? Isn’t it just enough to believe the Truth about the Son of God? To know where you’re going when you die? Does it really matter if the majority of the Christians in America still believe we are “blessed” by God, and part of this special, divinely orchestrated “Great Experiment”, and not Francis Bacon’s New Atlantis….?
Honestly, all too often I feel like I’m just writing things, either in posts or in comments elsewhere, which just miss the mark, again and again, and I desperately am feeling like I just want to find that “entry way”, that chink in the armor that will help pierce the veils of perception…. It’s just, so, hard. And even as I write this, I can’t help but beware of how ridiculous pretentious I sound, talking about “waking people up”, as if I’m some genius or something! I’m not. I so am not…
I feel like Moses or something, standing before God saying “I just don’t have the words”. I can ramble on and on and on, but it doesn’t seem to helping anyone. There are the people who see, and they already were there. Already were “awake”. It’s almost like I feel like, if I could just help one person get to that place, ya know? Maybe not even help them get there, but maybe just help them get through it, once they’ve gone there themselves…. Why is that? Is that pretentious? I don’t know. Maybe I just want to help people who are going through the same thing I did. It was not easy. I really struggled for a couple years actually with wondering if maybe I WAS in fact starting to really go crazy….
And that too, is something I often stop and wonder about with this blog. Am I just “embracing the fringyness”, because on some level you just expect people to respond with their familiar tin-foil jokes and dismissive comments anyhow, so you might as well just “own it” and know people are going to think you’re crazy anyways…?
And the worst question that haunts me at times:
Does this blog actually just serve as my little cathartic, “digital tree house” that I climb up to, where I can talk about all the weird stuff that nobody in my real life wants to go near…??
I think about that, and get pretty depressed. Full grown man, hiding in his blogger treehouse, reading his comic books, talking through tin cans and string, etc. Childishness. At times it feels like some porn addiction or something, not because I feel guilty of committing some sin, but because it’s almost hidden in that same way, merely due to the fact that no one “imrl” wants to go there anymore. Maybe it is just “obsession”. Maybe it is unhealthy. Maybe. Maybe…. I don’t know. I am crazy after all…